Email fun, funny jokes, just for laugh & much more
We some time send funny email to each other just for laugh. Idea here is to caught all this funny email into one place. Thanks to all our participants who help us to make this happened. Please send your funny email to us. We will act accordingly.
"College Short Story"
A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he
preceded his request to his wife by calling her: "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc., etc.
His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married
to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, ....I've forgotten
her name."
Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's
place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful
she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his
wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after
class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes,but asked Billy to be quick.
Bill has the typical observant wife. One evening after dinner, she handed him a bottle of 'Rogaine'
hair restorer.
Bill told her while he was indeed starting to thin out some, he didn't really think he needed hair restorer yet. She said, "Oh. It's not for you, it's for your secretary, she seems to be losing quite a
bit of her hair on your jacket."
Two husbands, Bill and Doug, were discussing their married lives.
An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember
his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that
florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with
an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, many bouquets later,
when he came home, kissed his wife and said off- handledly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
Rosey wanted her husband to stop smoking so she sent him to the doctor. The doctor
gave him a box of these patches and said to use one a day. He said ok, and took them home.
When he arrived home, Rosey asked him what the doctor said. He showed her the patches and told her that the doctor said to use one a patch day.
Rosey commenced to sew one patch on each shirt he had.
The both of them are still trying to figure out how that's going to help him quit smoking.
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, John and his wife listened to
the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to
each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
John leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they had received from friends and family. Since this was a new home,
the process took some time.
The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel
was put in the bedroom drawers.
A man was having an affair. The woman involved suddenly announced that she had become pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to go out of the
country, to Germany to stay with friends, to wait out the pregnancy and have the baby.
"But how will you know when our baby is born?" she asked.
"Well", he said, "After you've had the baby, just send me a postcard and write 'sauerkraut' on the back."
Not knowing what else to do, she took the money and went off to Germany.
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned
the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the
front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of one's name. They have developed
a very comprehensive system of naming one's children as it is believed that the name of a person
strongly influences one's destiny and fate.
Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born.
Most other cultures, however do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition.
Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not spared of this correlation.
One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose name IACOCCA stands for :
Just read about number 11.. YOU WILL BE AMAZED!!
Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them
suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. One of
them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and
use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather
expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and
Rule One- If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Great Presentation Skills - Able to bullcrap
An English lady goes on vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him,
"What is your name?"
"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and
Here was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just be! fore he died,
he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him,
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box
with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Lis! ten,
I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.!!!" Made in ? ?
Canadian EH ?
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 AM.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric
razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After
cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down
with his calculator (MADE IN
Dear Tech Support Team: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5 , and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0. This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.
It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
The class was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for a college class and the
instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.
The only one who received an A+ wrote the following:
Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.
"Sweetheart"
"Romancing Your Wife"
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over
his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and
things couldn't be better.
Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and
told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little
Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement.
And now, you come home drunk!"
"Can't Find It"
Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it," he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked
him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.
Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it."
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help
him find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.
The teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?"
Tommy is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."
"Rogaine"
"About Arguments"
Although happily married, they admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
Then Bill said, "I've made one great discovery. I now know how to always have the last word."
"Wow!" said Doug, "How do you manage that?" "It's easy," replied Bill. "My last words are always
'Yes, Dear.'"
"Flowers"
"Quit Smoking"
"Linguistics"
At the retreat, Jane and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex'&'love.'
Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree
and that they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable
for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another. And John wrote: 'I love sex.'
"Husbands....."
"Wedding Gift"
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show, for which tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope was a
small piece of paper with a single line: "Guess who sent them!" The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a
wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house
stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was
written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
"Sauerkraut"
Six months went by and then one day the man wife called him at his office. "Dear, you received
a very strange postcard in the mail today", she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"
"Just wait till I get home and I'll read it," he replied. Later that evening, the man read his postcard which
said:
"SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT, SAUERKRAUT,
TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!"
"Sneaky Cat"
They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out
to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife
doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be
out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding
under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
"THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK
"
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry baby whiney-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder...my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Oh, I get it....like humor... but different.
"Software Development Cycle"
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on
overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
"Name means to us"
I
Am
Chairman
Of
Chrysler
Corporation
America
coincidence?.......... Look at the following familiar examples.
Bush stands for :
Beat
Up
Saddam
Hussein !
Clinton stands for :
Call
Lewinsky,
I
Need
The
Oral
Now !
However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming Osama stands for :
Oh
Shit,
American
Missiles
Again!
Any comment??
"Mathematical research about
September 11 & World Trade Centre"
There must be some brilliant Mathematical Wizards out there or this is a freaky or weird
coincidence. Check it out for
yourselves.
The date of attack: 9/11 9+1+1 =11
September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2+5+4 =11
After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
119 is the area code of Iraq & Iran : 1+1+9 = 11
Twin Towers. standing side by side,looks like number 11
The first plane to hit the towers was flight 11
there's more: State of New York --The 11th state added to the Union.
New York City-- 11 letters.
Afghanistan --- 11 letters.
The Pentagon--- 11 letters.
Flight 11-- 92 on board: 9+2 =11
Flight 77-- 65 on board: 6+5 =11
This is veryyyy strange..quite a coincidence of course;
The plane that hit the WTC had the flight number Q33NY
Write it in a Word document and change the font to wingdings.....
"Girls night out"
proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home. The next
day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "These damn girls
nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between
the cheeks of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll
never forget you'."
"Dad's Rules"
Rule Two- You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you
cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three- I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of
your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come
to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.
Rule Four- It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know
each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you
is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at
my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.
Rule Five- I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Six- As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you
want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter
is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting
the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do
something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Seven- The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a
wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is
dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
tamperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and
a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain
saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Eight- Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where
you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel,
and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Nine- Be afraid.. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to
mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the
voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you
to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you
should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for
you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
"Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings"
Good Communication Skills - Spends a lot of time on phone
Average Employee - Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified - Made no major blunders yet
Work Is First Priority - Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially - Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially - Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker - Nobody knows what s/he does
Quick Thinking - Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker - Won't make a decision
Aggressive - Obnoxious
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs - Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Him/herself Well - Speaks English
Meticulous Attention To Detail - A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities - Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgment - Lucky
Keen Sense Of Humor - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded - Back Stabber
Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
"The Anniversary Gift - Funny!"
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to,
"hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"Well, I have outdone myself once again.
No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in LifeTime movie in the near future.
Here goes. Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two
metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render
him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one
of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions
(we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused,
just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul),
reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out
on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge
of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,"no friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances,
wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know,
a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it
was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. (Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY **************!
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura
ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then
body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under
my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were
still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward.
Miss em. ... sure would like em back.
"Not Everyone is Tired of Snow"
he always responds the same, he can not tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter,
and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it" the black man says.
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of
Snow everyday in the Caribbean!"
"JUST FOR LAUGHS : Clever Woman"
Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve
great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge.. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Rememb er that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 :-)
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them
in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put
them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in
Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
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